Miss CA

Miss California has secured a book deal. Will she be filling the pages herself? Or will she be hiring someone to, um, implant them with words? Either way, you can look forward to reading an inspirational story which teaches young women that they can achieve anything they want if they really put their mouths to it.

God bless Switzerland

Ah, Switzerland.

I know it's not the best country to have on one's side during a war, what with its military consisting of a guy named Frank (most likely borrowed from Austria) and its guns produced by Playskool. But its scenery is gorgeous, its citizens are super friendly and those goddamned Swiss know cuckoo clocks and chocolate better than anyone in the world. Hell, I'm pretty sure "Cuckoo Clocks" and "Chocolate" are majors at every Swiss university.

Anyway, the Swiss have created low-fat, no-melt chocolate. Something which Americans, particularly those in the South (http://blogs.usatoday.com/ondeadline/2009/07/mississippi-weighs-in-as-fattest-state-for-5th-year.html) will REALLY benefit from.

Many of us, myself included, also really need to cut down on our deep fried and re-deep fried pizzas with bacon fat and ice cream on top. It's hell for the arteries.

So thank you to the Swiss. They weren't much good fighting Hitler, but at least they've created something which can help make our physiques look less like Churchill's.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/business/2009/jul/16/low-calorie-no-melt-chocolate

What's the difference....

... between a hockey mom and a pitbull?


Eighteen ethics complaints.

Sanford & Sun

Turns out Governor Mark Sanford, a rising star in the GOP, wasn't hiking up a trail, but rather hiking up the skirt of some woman in Argentina.


What, you couldn't find any good mistresses here in the US of A, Mr. Patriot?

Oh, well.

I don't know whether Sanford will resign, but five bucks says he'll sign a book deal by August.

Stargirl Lied

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/belgium/5603769/Girl-with-56-stars-tattooed-on-face-admits-she-asked-for-them.html

Well.

Turns out that Kimberley Vlaminck, the girl with the 56 star tattoos on her face, wasn't asleep during the procedure. Turns out that she indeed requested those 56 star tattoos. Turns out that she was actually overjoyed with the end result.

Then she got home. And Kimberley's father was inexplicably horrified at her appearance.

Geez, girl, did you think your father would be overjoyed to see that his daughter had a face on which you kept expecting the words "Episode VII: A New Look" to scroll up on?

Anyway ....

That poor tattoo parlor owner sure is a class act. In spite of all the shit Kimberley has put him through, he's offering to pay for half of the expensive laser surgery procedure to have those tattoos removed. I would've expected him to cave into his baser instincts and, to borrow a line from Ralph Kramden, send Stargirl to the moon.

Justine Lai

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Government Waste

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/ReproductiveHealth/story?id=7889403&page=1

The federal government blew half a mil for a study on why men dislike wearing condoms during sex. Geez. Really? They needed half a million dollars for this? Perhaps the government can allot another half a mil to study what people find so distasteful about being set on fire.

Can't say it made me laugh as hard as the revelation that during the 1990s the morons at the Pentagon asked $7.5 million for the construction of a "gay bomb", which would in theory "turn" enemy soldiers homosexual. As a result, we'd be able to just saunter into their once impregnable fortresses because the guards would be too occupied sucking one another's cocks while listening to the score of "Wicked."

But at least the dolts who formulated that brilliant idea they didn't get their money. At least I hope they didn't.

"Like father, step-father..."

Having just finished watching a terrible horror movie remake ("My Bloody Valentine") a few hours ago, I discover that a remake of "The Stepfather" will be released later in the year.

The original film was a scary as hell, satirical thriller released in the middle of the 1980s, that oh so wondrous decade when, led by a pompadoured saint by the name of Ronald Reagan, our country returned to prosperity and "family values." Morning in America and all that saccharine piffle.

Anyway, the film's titular character is a psychotic who wants nothing more than to be the patriarch in The Perfect American Family. Naturally, each one he marries into proves short of his expectations. So he ends up murdering its members (presumably because family counseling's too costly an alternative), adopting a new identity, and trying for Perfection with another family.

Like "Wall Street", it's one of the great cinematic reflections of America during that era. Highly recommended.

The stepfather is played by the intense Terry O'Quinn, whose talent, I'm glad to hear, is being implemented in a low-budget show which I don't think many people in America have seen. What's it called? Oh, yeah - "Lost."

"The Stepfather" (original): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vPfvgh_dbU

"The Stepfather" (remake, in which, of course, all characters look like they stepped out of the pages of either "GQ" or "Vogue"): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DjEPX8TP5J8

Carla Bruni-Sarkozy

Could a man in the U.S. get elected to the presidency with a wife like Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, the stunning First Lady of France?

I mean, our republic can be a bit puritanical about matters. As an example, I offer two words: "Wardrobe Malfunction." Need I elucidate?

Carla Bruni-Sarkozy has exposed more than her one tit. And no, it wasn't a wardrobe malfunction. Carla Bruni-Sarkozy has all but shown us a video of her colonoscopy.

I picked up this quote of hers from Wikipedia: "I'm monogamous from time to time, but I prefer polygamy and polyandry." If Laura Bush or Michelle Obama had uttered this on the campaign trail, their husbands never would've become president. At least I don't think they would've. In the general election, they'd probably lose in a landslide, winning only Utah.

She's like a character from "Sex and the City."

Kudos to the French people for not making her lifestyle a big issue.

Woody Allen reportedly wants Carla Bruni-Sarkozy to star in one of his films. As a fan of both, I hope she accepts.

Mr. President

Mr. President -- I voted for you, I think highly of you. I read your second book. (It dealt with hope, as I recall.)

But be like the daughter of Sonny Bono and Cher and get some fucking balls. If your proposals don't fly with the AMA and those damn insurance companies, give 'em the treatment you gave that fly.

We're waiting for you to channel FDR. Hell, you haven't even channeled Eisenhower! FIGHT.

Book Banning

http://ncacblog.wordpress.com/2009/06/19/hemingway-king-sedaris-kicked-out-of-new-hampshire-high-school-classes/

Boo to that school in Litchfield, New Hampshire for banning "Hills Like What Elephants" by Ernest Hemingway because its central character is a young woman who is about to get an abortion; "Survivor Type" by Stephen King because it involves self-cannibalism; and "I Like Guys" by David Sedaris because ... well, the title speaks for itself.

Puritanical blowhards.

"Oh, but think about the children!"

What about them? Give me a break. The minds of your high schoolers are far less fragile than you think. These short stories won't destroy their lives. (Although perhaps the Sedaris story will provide struggling gay and lesbian teens a sense of comfort, and we can't have THAT, right?).

I don't know about the lives of the convicts in Rahway or San Quentin or wherever, but I highly doubt that ANY of their biographies will say something like:

"He was raised by a loving family, helped out in the community, and got good grades in school ... until the day he read 'Hills Like White Elephants'. That's when the hard drugs, robberies, rapes and murders started."

Furthermore, as long as you're banning books involving violent stuff, there's one book I read recently which was rather gruesome. I'll include a passage:

"And Moses said unto them, Have ye saved all the women alive? Behold, these caused the children of Israel, through the counsel of Balaam, to commit trespass against the Lord in the matter of Peor, and there was a plague among the congregation of the Lord. Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves."

Creepy work. And I thought the Marquis de Sade penned some depraved shit.

That's it?

WHOA! Those pissed-off Palinites came out in full force to protest that oh so mean, gap-toothed old man Dave Letterman! Oh, wait -- those are the pro-Mousvani demonstrations in Iran.

Actually, only fifteen or so people -- and presumably all their imaginary friends -- appeared to protest outside of the Ed Sullivan Theater. Not even enough for a staff at one Borders superstore.

Of course, they wouldn't be comfortable around an environment where books/learning material are involved. That is, unless they have their Benadryl with them.

So, yeah, they drew more media than activists. At least Kevin Federline can say that more people paid to see him rap than to protest David Letterman.

And kudos to Letterman for his "Top 10 Things Overheard at the 'Fire Letterman' Rally" bit. He really knocked it up -- er, knocked it out -- of the park with that one. He probably should've done a Top 15. One for every protester who actually showed up.

http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2009/06/16/letterman-protest-draws-more-media-than-activists/

Mama's Boy's Mama

Hahaha -- just as I was planning to watch "Psycho", I came across a news story about a guy from NYC named Thomas Parkin who had been assuming the identity of his deceased mother. He even dressed in drag. Damn. Does he stuff birds and own a shitty-ass motel too? Maybe we need to drag the East River for bodies -- and I bet we'll find the dismembered handiwork of the Mob, the Teamsters, and perhaps even the Donald along with Mr Parkin's.

Wow. If life in NYC is beginning to reflect Hitchcock movies, perhaps it's best that Mayor Bloomberg put those 2,000 Canada geese to death. (http://abcnews.go.com/Travel/story?id=7853144&page=1)

Anyway. The actual reason that douchebag Parkin assumed his mother's identity was in order to cheat the government. If Geithner steps down, perhaps he'll be appointed our next Treasury Secretary.


http://www.nydailynews.com/news/ny_crime/2009/06/17/2009-06-17_psycho_son_.html

Starry, Starry Night

Some woman in Belgium requested three small star tattoos on her face ... and woke up with fifty-six.

DAMN.

What I don't get is why anybody not named Darth Maul would even WANT tattoos on the face in the first place. (Talk about star wars, eh, lady? Heh-heh. Sorry.)

Well, the woman's getting the tattoos removed. And she's suing the tattoo parlor. Good for her.

Until then, perhaps an astrologist can look at her forehead and tell me what my future holds.

http://www.allheadlinenews.com/articles/7015516839

This Blows

Some dipshit superintendent refused to hand a graduating senior his high school diploma all because, while on stage to receive it, he took a bow and blew a kiss to his mother.

When I came across the AP article headlined "Maine student who blew kiss to mom denied diploma", my immediate response was:

"Can't be. He HAD to have done something more to warrant such a punishment."

But no. I read the article but couldn't find the phrase "and then he whipped his dick out" or anything just as vulgar. All the guy did was take a bow and blow a kiss at his family. Nothing more. And for that, he had to endure the humiliation of being sent back to his seat diploma-less. In front of hundreds of people.

That superintendent is the front-runner for Douchebag of the Week. Well, maybe after Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the "re-elected" president of Iran. And after Governor Sarah Palin.

http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5hpPcT4Vh2JI4GMABhMe21YeVPe7AD98S6UD81

Remembering that great night ....

Letterman and Palin

Governor Palin insists that David Letterman knowingly directed that A-Rod joke at her 14-year-old daughter. I don't believe that to be the case. I chalk it up to Letterman and his writers forgetting that besides Bristol, the governor and her hard-for-secession hubby have 200 other daughters. You know, like how President -- or to please the Fox News crowd -- Ayatollah Barack Obama probably has more than 200 burqa-clad wives? Letterman didn't mean the 14-year-old girl any more than Obama meant the governor with his now-notorious "lipstick on a pig" utterance.

Still, to paraphrase President Nixon: Letterman gave the Palins a sword, and they're sticking it in with relish.

Mother Palin is playing the martyr. Gotta say, I kind of admire her feistiness. She's one tough cookie. This became clear to me when she first entered the national stage and thanked Geraldine Ferraro and Hillary in an obvious attempt to siphon the votes of Clintonites who were aggravated that Madame Clinton was denied her supposed destiny. She is as ruthless as Hillary, just with less age, less skirt, and less brains.

Miss CA

Today I overheard someone say to his friend, "I can't believe how stupid Miss California is"! Uh-huh. Right. As if the average beauty contestant can boast of Mensa membership.

I do feel kind of bad for Miss California, though. Though I'm not in harmony with her opposition to gay marriage, at least she's sincere about her stance. Unlike, say, the Democratic leadership and Rudy Giuliani, whose opposition is about as artificial as Miss California's tits.

Some Piece in the Middle East

Hamas, the militant fundamentalist Islamic group and ruling party in Palestine, is not just in the match-lighting business but in the matchmaking business as well.

Seriously.

Do you love long walks on the beach and loathe Israel? Looking for a romance which burns like a detonated bus in Jerusalem? Well, apply at the "Tayseer Association for Marriage and Development"; we promise you'll meet at least ONE of the 72 virgins of your dreams!

Personally I don't think the service's name is catchy enough. How about "Hamasexuality"? Just a suggestion.

Fuck Hamas!

And I don't care to participate in any dating service managed by people who probably look at the garb of nuns and consider them guilty of indecent exposure.

Jack-Off Pollock

What does this Jackson Pollock painting say to me?

It says, "Floor of a titty club."